Rants
Excerpts from the upcoming book Bring Food. Arrive Naked.
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[The whole book in three lines. (The rest is just explanation and detail.)]
Romance is the answer to most relationship problems. Period.
You gotta keep your sense of humor—or romance is impossible and long-term love is improbable.
Ordinary people can have extraordinary romance.
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Chapter 1.
Most Relationships Suck.
This is Not an Acceptable Excuse for Yours to Suck Too.
Don’t look at me that way. We all know that most relationships suck. Just because it’s not politically correct to say so doesn’t make it less true. Look around—at your family and friends and culture—and ask this question: “Whose relationship would I like to emulate?” When I ask this question in seminars of a thousand people, an uneasy silence settles over
the room.
Look around—most couples’ relationships are average/status quo/boring. (You might say many things about us romantics—we’re idealistic, starry-eyed, a little crazy—but at least we’re not boring.) Boring is the last thing you want to be. Being stuck in a boring relationship is a prison sentence. Some people would say, “Tsk, tsk, what a shame. That’s so sad.” Let’s get real: It’s not “sad”—it’s not a “shame”—it sucks. The fact is most
relationships suck.
You might feel that this is bad/disheartening news. I would suggest that it is irrelevant news. What does this have to do with you? Nothing! You want your relationship to be at the far end of the Bell Curve—where the few high achievers are—where the successful, happy, romantic couples are.
Romantic Tips.
o Here’s how to adjust your perspective, which just might open your mind a bit and stimulate your creativity: Pretend it’s Halloween: How might you dress to get a reaction our of your partner?
o Visit a local costume shop for some ideas.
o Arrive home with a toolbox (packed with a picnic). Arrive dressed like a construction worker (or a cop, or a Marine, or a firefighter, or a flight attendant, or a business executive or a secretary or a schoolteacher, etc.)
o Push your limits for the sake of your partner. See this idea as an “exercise in fantasy.”
o Start with outerwear costume-like oufits . . .
o . . . and then if you’re brave, experiment with more intimate and sexy outfits.
o You might dress-up as his/her favorite movie star.
o Or you might just be yourself—only more outrageously that he/he is used to.
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Chapter 2.
Bring Food. Arrive Naked.
The cynics latch onto the fact that there are so few great/romantic relationships and they conclude that it’s impossible for the average person—for you—to have one. And further, that it’s foolish to even attempt the feat. Cynicism is the rationalization of jealous underachievers. Don’t let the cult of mediocrity cheat you out of the relationship you deserve.
Romantic Tips.
o Pick one romantic gift (one red rose, a small box of chocolates, a quick love note) and give it to your partner once-a-week for a month
o Talk with your lover about both of your dreams and expectations for the future of your relationship.
o When it comes to relationships, are you more idealistic or more cynical? Ask your partner for his/her input. Try to take-in the input without resisting things you might not want to hear.
o A couple’s exercise: Make a list of couples you know that you do not want to be like. List the specific characteristics that you see harming their relationships. Keep the list handy, and try your best to avoid that harmful behavior. (Note: Keep this list hidden from prying eyes!)
o Fight “relationship mediocrity: Do one outrageous thing for your partner sometime soon: A hot-air balloon ride? A surprise night at a local bed & breakfast?
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Chapter 3.
Bring Food. Arrive Naked. (Part 2)
There may be a man who would not be gaga if his lover appeared at the door in this manner, but in twenty-five years of teaching Romance Seminars, I’ve never met one.
Note: My informal—though extensive—survey indicates that 85% of women would be thrilled to have their man appear at the door dressed provocatively and bearing food.
And while this advice will certainly work for singles, it is mostly intended for marrieds. I understand from watching Friends and Sex and the City that this kind of behavior is commonplace in the singles world. It’s here among the veteran marrieds that these kinds of antics are lacking/desired/needed/fantasized about.
Food Note: Anything fancier than a pizza is unnecessary.
Garment Note: High heels are allowed.
Romantic Tips.
o Bring chocolate. Arrive early
o Bring champagne. Arrive with two glasses.
o Bring pizza. Arrive with extra pepperoni.
o Bring a movie. Arrive with popcorn.
o Bring a diamond ring. Arrive on one knee.
o Bring a helmet. Arrive on a Harley.
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Chapter 4.
Bring Food. Arrive Naked. (Part 3.)
I try. I really do. I try to find romantic ideas that are specifically for one gender and not the other. You know, Mars/Venus and all that crap. But ninety-nine percent of all romantic gestures work equally well, regardless of which gender is giving or receiving.
I’d long thought that this idea [bringing food, and arriving naked] was really a “guy thing”. Because when I suggest it in seminars, the guys hoot and holler and stamp their feet. But then after the seminar, women would take me by the elbow and confide: “It would drive me wild if my guy did this for me! Give me a man in a trench coat with a plate of Godiva chocolates, over a guy in a tuxedo with flowers any day!”
Go figure.
Romantic Tips.
o Learn how to say “I love you” in Latin: “Amo te.”
Or Norwegian: “Jeg elsker deg.”
o Learn yoga, and lose that 20 pounds you’ve been promising to lose for the past several years. (Sometimes “Less is more”!”)
o Do something REALLY different: Attend Comic-Con together. See a Broadway play (get orchestra seats). Fly to Chicago just to attend a performance of Second City. To to the best restaurant within 100 miles. Visit the Grand Canyon.
o Make every Monday “Extra Kisses Day.”
o Make every Tuesday “Gift Day.”
o Make every Wednesday “Partner Appreciation Day.”
o Make every Thursday “Love Is About the little Things Day.”
o Make every Friday evening “Date Night.”
o Make every Saturday “Sexual Exploration Day.”
o Make every Sunday a “Spiritual Connection Day.”
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Chapter 5.
Looking for Prince Charming.
I t is not unrealistic for you to be looking for Prince Charming. The problem, as I have witnessed thousands of times, is that women are looking in the wrong place for him.
It is not unrealistic for you to be looking for Prince Charming. Here’s the Truth that I have observed: I have found that most married women are already married to their Prince Charming, and most single women are either dating their Prince Charming, or he is already in her circle of friends.
Before we go any further, let’s define our terms. Who or what is “Prince Charming”? Is there only one Prince Charming for each woman? First, let’s look at the fairy tales from which the concept of a Prince Charming came from. By my count, there are at least three different guys running around Fairy Tale Land who have no “real” name, but are simply known as “Prince Charming”: They live in the classic stories of Cinderella, Snow White, and Beauty and the Beast. Mythologically and psychologically this obviously means that there’s more than just one Prince Charming for each woman. Perhaps not so obvious is the fact that these guys don’t really have a name. They’re kind-of generic heroes.
That’s fine as far as it goes for the purpose of the fairy tale, but the deeper meaning is that Prince Charming is not simply one individual. He is not one specific guy—he is a type of guy: Handsome, tall, brave, strong, charming—and deferential and loving toward his beloved. Frankly, that describes an awful lot of guys.
The clever thing about fairy tales is that they can be interpreted a number of ways, and therefore they are always true for each individual reader. Fairy tales also do a masterful job of mixing Real Life with a Mythological Life. Real knights on swift steeds do battle with fictional dragons. Of course, those dragons generally symbolize a culture’s fears and uncertainties. Coming back to Prince Charming, I would claim that there is more than one Prince Charming for every woman on earth. (Just as there are several women who could serve as a Princess for every man on earth.)
Why? Because more than one person can work-and-play together with you to create a “Happily Ever After” life. (We’ll talk about that later.)
What has to happen here is that we (as individuals and as a culture) need to broaden our definition of what “the perfect partner” might look like. And while every person has a completely unique list of what qualifies “the perfect partner,”—and I’ve seen a lot of these lists—I’d venture to say that 80% of the characteristics that everyone is looking for are identical. (Loving, funny, reliable, thoughtful, hardworking, smart, good potential parent, etc.) It’s that last 20% that really differentiates one person from another. So the question isn’t really “Where is my Prince Charming?” but “How picky are you going to be?”
Most people who I talk with believe that—in virtually any other area of their lives—if they are able to get 80% of what they would consider “perfect”—or 100%—they would consider themselves lucky, and settle into a happy life (it appears that Donald Trump is still fighting for that 100%. Good luck with that. And to continue the personal aside: I think this should lay to rest the fantasy that money will solve all your problems. Every time I’ve seen Mr. Trump on TV he looks exceedingly unhappy.)
So what’s all this have to do with Prince Charming? First, it means that several different guys could be your Prince Charming. Relationships are not a zero-sum-game—in which you either win it all or lose it all—with nothing in-between. In fact, Love is the opposite of a zero-sum game. It is often called a positive-sum game. For example: You can give all of your love to everyone around you, and you’re still full of love. Cool, huh? Second, you’re probably already in a relationship with a Prince Charming—and either your expectations are too stringent, or your Prince Charming is covering-up his wonderfulness with some unconsciously dopey behavior.
Romantic Tips
o Vacation at Disney Land, where several Prince Charmings are known to hang-out regularly. (No, really . . . Lots of adults have never gotten over the magic of Disney.)
o FYI, Disney offers special marriage packages. You just might make your dreams come true!
o Write a “Five-Year Plan to Become Your Prince/Princess Charming”. List all of the behaviors that bug your parter, and plan a specific timetable for tackling each of them.
o Do one thing this weekend that you know your partner would consider a charming surprise. (This will probably be somenting somewhat uncharacteristic of you. Get over your resistance, and please your lover.
o For your 10th, 15th, 20th or 25th anniversary, hire a horse and carriage to take the two of you out for a leisurely ride, or out to dinner. Dress-up.
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The complete book will contain these chapters, too . . .
But Is Romance Cool?
Warp Factor 2.
Valentine’s Day Revisited.
Don’t Be Romantic ALL the Time.
Don’t Boil Your Frog
Freud on Romance.
Plagiarize
The Five Ways to be Romantic.
Be a Fool for Love. But Don’t Be a Flaming Idiot for Love.
God Wants You to Be Romantic.
Grow Up.
Don’t Grow Up.
Cupid and Santa Walk Into a Bar.
Every Man Is Moe.
Cooties are Real.
There’s Love, Money and Power. Choose One.
Be Reckless With Your Heart.
Never Give Flowers. (Like a Normal Person.).
Opposites Attract.
Framing.
Time Is Money. Not.
Do You Have Twenty Years of Experience—Or One Year of Experience RepeateTwenty Times?
Real Men Ask for Directions.
At the Intersection of Erotic and Ticklish.
All You Need Is Love. (And Money.)
Human Nature Will Trump Theory Every Time.
Death By Chocolate.
Musings.
Love Takes “Work” But It’s Not Work.
Love Is “Playful” But It’s Not Play.
The Formula .
Romance Resides at the Intersection of Love, Sex and Fun.
Stories.
More Stories.
Valenine’s Day Made Easy.
Q&A.
Monogamy, Not Monotony. (Part 1).
Monogamy, Not Monotony. (Part 2).
Hopeless and Incurable
Romance 2.0.
Q&A.
Actions Speak About as Loudly as Words.
Love Has a Mind of Its Own.
Romantics Versus Scientists.
Love Is Like a Jig-Saw Puzzle.
The Cynics Are Right.
Love. It’s Not Rocket Science.
Love. It’s Not Rocket Science. But It IS Brain Surgery.
Love Is a Sport.
People Unclear On the Concept.
Teitur.
Love Is Like a Car.
Little Things Mean Most Everything.
6 Issues.
Don’t Compromise.
Rants.
Relationship Experiment #1: Give Without Taking.
Relationship Experiment #2: Judge Not.
Relationship Experiment #3: Fake It ’Til You Make It.
Relationship Experiment #4: Shoot Your TV.
Relationship Experiment #5: Slow Down.
Love Is a Marathon.
How Many Romantics Does It Take to Screw In a Lightbulb?
Create Romantic Moments.
The Problem with Valentine’s Day. (Part 1.)
The Problem with Valentine’s Day. (Part 2.)
The Problem with Valentine’s Day. (Part 3.)
Bring Food. Arrive . . . “Dressed-Up.”
Roses = Sex.
Miracles.
Points.
If It Were Easy It Wouldn’t Be an Adventure.
Sweat the Small Stuff.
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